Lovesick, Lovelorn, Hurt, and Bravery
by MapleTreeway
Summary: He finally found someone to care for, the joy he felt... Snape stood there, in the ruined house crying over Lily... He let out a blood-curdling scream then fell to the floor... "I'm so sorry Lily."


**A/N: Okay so me and HP stories there may be some that others have done but since it is a BIG fandom I do not know. So DON'T flame me! At the middle there are lyrics to "The Water" by Hurts, and at the end there are lyrics to "Cosmic Love" by Florence + the Machine in the next chapter. So I suggest listening to those songs and reading the lyrics because it is MAGIC! Thanks to Krazy Kimmy for suggesting writing some more Snape stories.**

**Disclaimer: As much as I would like to own HP (mainly Snape) I don't.**

Snape looked at her, her hair, her face, her smile, and her entrancing eyes – eyes that beamed peace and radiance all at once. He had known her since he had started Hogwarts and fell more and more in love with her throughout the years until he reached "Mentally Sick with Love" condition – until he needed her in his life and could not go on without her; until he thought he could not love anymore because he gave his heart to her; until words could not even describe how he felt about her; until he would die for her life in a heartbeat; until the end of the Universe and beyond will he love her; until his last breath that drew from his Lungs he would never abandon her; and until time itself stops will he loving her – which could not ever happen for Severus's life would not be life without –

Snape pushed a strand of hair that fell into the woman's face with a smile in which she returned. Even though she had accidentally put an ageing potion on her when she was very young, she was still the same age as he. Snape wouldn't care what age she was anyway, for once he was in love age wouldn't matter.

"Severus," she asked while looking up at the cloud dotted sky, "what do we do?"

"That depends entirely on the situation," replied he.

"What if they found out? What do we do?" she said gesturing to the Castle of Hogwarts.

Snape took a deep breath and reached for something in his robe pocket – a box, a very small box that could only hold an –

"Severus! Are you listening?"

He braced himself for an answer, and got down on one knee and said rather hurriedly, "Marry me Minerva. Marry me please."

McGonagall looked at him eyes wide and mouthed, "Yes."

Joy radiated through Snape for he had finally found someone else to patch up his soul that had been abandoned by Lily Evans. He had _finally_ found someone to love and care for – to marry. He smiled.

S.S.S.S. S.S.S.S.

Snape laid in his bed that night thinking. Thinking of Lily – _His _Lily, _not _Potter's. _She _should've been Minerva; _she _should've been the one wearing the ring; _she_ should've not died that dreadful Halloween night; _she _should've been living with him and both of them married happily; _they _should not have broken up; _HIM _calling her a "Mudblood". Snape played it a broken record in his mind over and over and over again only to form a guilt knot in the pit of his stomach. Then it hit. His worst memory made impact to his mind: _Him _cradling the dead Lily Evans in his arms and rocking back and forth back and forth in sorrow letting the tears fall freely – tears that should've fallen long ago. _Tears! Tears! Tears! _"Tears of Lily" were all he could think of then.

But that, however, was only a part of the gorily painful memory that stuck in the back of his deceitful mind and Snape did not want to have it cross his mind. It unfortunately did as he drifted off into a burdensome sleep….

_He had just appeared in front of the Potter's hurt house to see if the rumors were true – Lily and James Potter were dead. He wished they weren't true – well Lily anyway. _

_He was walking up the stairs rather quickly. He wanted to find her alive but when he reached Harry's room, his heart sank. He had found the exact opposite – a dead Lily Evans lying among the scattered boxes and chairs with a limp hand extended toward the crying, weeping, Harry Potter. Severus leaned against the door pane looking at the damage he had done mouthing, "No…no…NO! LILY!"_

_Remorse crept up to his heart making it much to over-whelming for him. And then his knees buckled and he crashed onto the ground crying over Lily. Extending a weak, shaky hand he touched her which made him howl and writhe with the growing pain inside of him. _

_Lily's skin was soft and cold, and when Severus turned her head to face him, he saw Lily's eyes. They were glazed. Severus cried harder. Then he noticed her moth was agape in a way that screamed, "No!" Severus cried even harder. And then he saw that Lily's dark-red locks where still flowing over her shoulders carefully. Severus howled fiercely screaming, "NO! LILY NO!" and crawled with shock toward her and picked her up and cradled her. Severus rocked back and forth, to and fro with her in his arms letting the tears flow free - Tears that should've fallen long ago. _

_He kept muttering to her, "I love you" over and over and over again until it became clear that she could not hear him anymore limp as she was. Severus kept doing it though and all he could think of then was _Tears! Tears! Tears! "Tears of Lily"

_The Potion's Master cried the whole night through until his tears ran dry. Standing up, he muttered an apology for everything horrible he had done to her and brushed her cold hair from her face. He took a lock of hair to keep memory and put it in a flask saying his farewell to her and left with a heavy heart. He didn't bother looking back for fear he would stay there the whole night howling…_

Snape woke up abruptly tear-stained and turned on the light. He walked to a secret compartment near his Potion Books and opened it.

Inside of the little compartment there was a flask, a 10-year-old flask that held a simple lock of dark-red hair. It was Snape's one special article. It was his get-a-way to happy memories… his painkiller. _Lily's _memories were his painkiller and Demise. The downfall of love was Snape's pain, and Lily was his reliever. And to him, they walked hand in hand.

Snape opened the battered flask and pulled out the red lock and started to fiddle with it thinking about _her_ – his Lily and how it was not meant to be and where it had gone wrong. Perhaps it was their first meeting? Or when he placed trust in the wrong hands? Or perhaps the Sorting? _No, _he thought, _it was all along. She never loved me. She loved the Potter boy, not me. _He dug his head in his hands and wept.

S.S.S.S. S.S.S.S.

"Do you take this woman as your magically bonded wife?"

"I do." Snape said.

It was a few months since he dreamt about _her_ – Lily: His Lily – not Potter's. The dark-red head Lily that betrayed him for reason he could understand and regret. The Lily he loved – still – with his whole heart. The Lily he could not get out of his mind and dreams. The Lily he forgave and apologized to - _His_ Lily.

Snape looked at his bride and smiled. It was a half-smile of happiness and sadness. Happy for he finally found someone and sad for it was not Lily. But he supposed Minerva would not notice.

As he bore into her eyes, he saw bitter-happiness and over-whelming grief. Severus knew it was over, she would call it off.

"And do you take this man as your magically bonded husband?"

Minerva looked deep into Snape's eyes, bit her lip, hung her head shamefully, and said, "I-I don't."

There was a regretful silence before the one and only witness, Albus Dumbledore, asked, "Why not Minerva?"

The Transfiguration teacher looked at him and said, "We are both in love with someone else, Albus. Severus, with the haunting memory of Lily Potter, and me with you." She said the last part quietly.

"And how do you know that I am still in love with Lily Potter?" Snape asked curtly.

"I hear and see you. You sometimes go out to the edge of the lake and pull out a Patroness of a silver doe. Lily Potter's silver doe at that! And some nights when I go out to on patrol and I pass by your door and I hear you weep for Lily!" She turned to face him hands on her hips, "So how can you marry another witch if you still love another?"

"Well I hear you weep for Albus! Do you not think I care? Well I do! Doesn't anybody get that? I have feelings as well!

Did it hurt that Lily left me on both ways? Of course it did! Does it hurt that I have now lost two witches I love due to my stupidity, carelessness, and because I was in Slytherin? Of course it does!" Tears welled in his beady black eyes.

"Did it burn like hell to see Lily dead at Potter's house because of the Dark Lord? Did it burn to see them dance together at the ball? Did it burn to see little Harry Potter and the proud parents Lily and James Potter? And did it burn to see she had officially found some arrogant man to take my place? Did it burn guilt that I called her a 'Mudblood' and she went crying into James' arms?" Snape jabbed a finger at Minerva, "Well I have news Minerva. It burned so much each time! Burned harder than hell and stung as well!

"And does it _hurt_ that in each relationship I have, the witch leaves me for some other man or because she still loves another? Why couldn't you be honest and say 'no' when I asked you? Why couldn't you have been honest? Can't you see the destruction that you have made in me? I had hoped for the first time to get rid of her! Her painful memory. To move onward! I had hoped you would be the one to free me Minerva. But I guess not since you still love the Headmaster," he said the last part mockingly while trying to avoid crying by glaring instead.

"Severus, it's not like that," McGonagall said pleading with him.

"Of _course _it's not. I hope you have a wonderful relationship with him." Snape sneered coldly before removing his finger to walk out and away from the Alter frustrated.

S.S.S.S. S.S.S.S.

The Potion's Master was standing on the farthest side of the lake from Hogwarts as he could with a wand in hand. He eyed it carefully before waving it saying, "Expecto Patroum!" A silver doe glided out of it and landed softly on a patch of grass. It came to him and licked his hand before doing a motion of bounding around his head before leaving him for the oblivion. Severus watched it go and sat down sighing.

Time trickled down the neck of Earth and it was growing darker by the minute. Snape didn't mind the dark, for what scary things would he be afraid of? He practically was the darkness. He became the darkness. He _liked_ the darkness sometimes. It was his refuge. His hiding place. His second home.

Lying down he looked up at the dusk clouded sky through overlapping leaves when he remembered a Muggle song he had heard before:

_Innocent they swim, I tell them no. But they just dive right in. But do they know it's a long way down, when you're alone with no air or sound, down below the surface. _

_There's something in the water, I do not feel safe. It always feels like torture to be this close. I wish that I was stronger, I'd separate the waves. Not just let the water take me away._

_There was a time I'd dip my feet, and it would roll off my skin. Now every time I get close to the edge, I'm scared of falling in. 'Cause I don't want to be stranded again, on my own. When the tide comes in, and pulls me below the surface. _

_There's something in the water, I do not feel safe. It always feels like torture to be this close. I wish that I was stronger, I'd separate the waves. Not just let the water take me away._

The song eased his conscience a little in an odd way. He knew the song was sad, but Severus could not grasp why it eased him so. Perhaps it happened to the singer also? Or was it because it reminded him of himself? He did not know. All he knew was that everything in his life was wrong at his point. He could not even go to the Mirror of Erised without crumbling down crying just seeing Lily. She had become the only one who loved him – his parents abused him, Minerva lied to him, no one wanted him except Lily.

Then that Potter boy entered the frame and pushed Severus away leaving him watching envy as James got the girl. Burning Envy and Burning Revenge and Burning Remorse and Grief all at once. And for a human being – especially one that had _never ever_ had love thrown at him - it was all just too much to bear. It takes a heavy toll on the heart and mind. I t was what Severus was feeling. In other words Lovesick – lovesick of Lily Potter.

Snape looked down at his hands in confusion. All he saw was skin, he sighed. He sighed again not knowing what he had done to cause all this - this – this _pain_. All he knew was he wished it away or die if it did not. At least then he could be with Lily if he died… hopefully. He did not know if he was worthy enough, but Severus heard that Merlin forgives those who arrive.

Still looking into his hands, he saw a raindrop fall into it. Snape looked up to the sky to find, coincidentally, the only two clouds in the sky that looked like Lily and… him. Only, they were both raining down. Lily's cloud drizzled while Severus's stormed down. He shook his head and made his way back to Hogwarts.

S.S.S.S. S.S.S.S.

It had been six years since the off-called wedding. Harry was on the hunt for Horcruxes and he – Severus – was the Headmaster thanks to Voldermort.

And it was chaos for him.

Albus had died a year prior but kept talking to him through the portraits; Severus promised to keep the students safe but found it burdensome for the Dark Lord wanted opposite. It gave him a vexation to the head most nights. Then there was McGonagall who kept pestering him to do something about the two Death Eater teachers. That, too, gave him a vexation to the head. But the worst was _Harry _who he had vowed to keep safe under Lily's name – only how could he keep him safe if the boy was who-knows where? Severus sometimes wondered how Dumbledore could have managed being Headmaster all those years.

S.S.S.S. S.S.S.S.

It was the Battle of Hogwarts and Snape was standing in the Shrieking Shack with the Dark Lord – clearly not a good sign.

"Hello Severus," spoke the cackling voice of Voldermort.

Severus bowed scared, "My lord."

"You may rise. Can you give me a summary of what is happening on the battle field Severus?"

"Yes," he agreed looking at the snake he feared, "There have been many deaths and injuries for the opposing side My Lord. Greyback, Rockwood and many others have been discovered meaning if Potter's side wins they will be sent to Azkaban. My Lord, Greyback died, and Rockwood injured.

"The barrier the enemy has set up to protect the school has been lowered. In all, My Lord, their resistance is crumbling –" he felt a presence… Harry's presence.

"- And is doing so without your help," said Voldermort in his eerie, clear voice.

He studied Snape carefully with his blood-shot eyes while twirling the Elder Wand with his hand, "Skilled wizard though you are, Severus, I do not think you will make much of a difference now. We are almost there… almost."

Snape immediately knew where this was going. He was going to die, "Let me find the boy. Let me find Potter. I know I can find him, My Lord. Please," Severus was willing to do anything to get out of the room.

He strode passed the gap he felt Potter's presence in to look at the now standing Dark Lord who spoke softly, "I have a problem, Severus."

"My Lord?"

Voldermort raised the wand so gently and precisely like that was his baton and he was the conductor at an orchestra. He eyed Severus carefully in a threateningly way that meant Death. "Why doesn't it work for me, Severus?" he asked scarily. When Snape did not answer straight away, he sighed.

Snape's mind ran blank, color drained from his face, he was stuck - stuck with the dreaded fate of Death. Or maybe not if he was cunning enough, "My- My Lord?" he said blankly, "I do not understand. You- you have performed extraordinary magic with that wand." He was starting to let his insecurity show.

"No, I have performed my usual magic. I am extraordinary, but this wand… no. It has not revealed the wonders it has promised. I feel no difference between this wand and the one procured from Ollivander all those years ago." The Dark Lord said in a musing and calm tone.

"No difference." He said yet again.

Snape could not speak. He knew Voldermort was furious with him and the wand. Now all he could do was speak convincingly enough to reassure his Master to avoid the danger. But alas, Severus was speechless.

Voldermort started prowling the dark, dank room, and Snape could see his silhouette pacing back and forth. He knew this was a sign of danger.

"I have thought long and hard about this Severus… Do you know why I called you back from battle?"

Snape barely heard him for he was too absorbed at staring at the snake and the cage it was in. "No, My Lord. But I beg you let me go back and find Potter."

"You sound like Luscious. Neither of you understands Potter like I do. He does not need finding. Potter will come to me. I know his weakness, you see, his one great flaw. He will hate watching the others struck down around him, knowing it is for him that it happens. He will want to stop it at all cost. He will come," Voldermort's tone was too calm for comfort, and Snape cringed inwardly at his voice.

Voldermort turned his back on Severus.

"But My Lord, he might be killed accidentally by someone other than yourself –" he bean only to be cut off by his Master's voice.

"My instructions to my Death Eaters have been perfectly clear," Snape bit his lip as Voldermort continued, "Capture Potter. Kill his friends – the more, the better – but do not kill him."

Snape shifted nervously to the side and flinched at the next statement, "But it is of you I wished to speak, Severus, not Harry Potter. You have been very valuable to me. Very valuable."

Snape said, "My Lord knows I only wish to serve him," He added "And Lily" in his head, "But – let me go and find the boy, My Lord. Let me bring him to you. I know I can –"

"I have told you no!" Voldermort said impatience in his voice unmasked. He turned around with the swish of his cloak, "My concern at the moment, Severus, is what will happen when I finally meet the boy!" He spat.

"My Lord, there can be no question, surely –"

"But there is a question, Severus. There is."

There was an ugly silence in which the Dark Lord slid the Elder Wand through his bony, white fingers while staring at Snape angrily. It was a shock that when he did speak, it was menacingly calm, "Why did both the wands I have used fail when directed at Harry Potter?"

Snape's face paled even more as he stammered, "I-I cannot answer that My Lord."

"Can't you?" The tone was furious rage.

Snape's eyes wandered from his master's eyes to Nagini and stayed there.

"My wand of yew did everything of which I asked it, Severus, except kill Harry Potter. Twice it failed. Ollivander told me under pressure about the twin cores, told me to take another's wand. I did so, but Luscious' wand shattered upon meeting Potter's."

"I-I have no explanation, My Lord," Snape was still not looking to the red eyes.

"I sought a third wand, Severus. The Elder Wand, the Wand of Destiny, the Deathstick. I took it from its previous master. I took it from the grave of Albus Dumbledore."

Severus felt almost all blood drain from his usually masked face. He saw nothing but Death, Danger, and the Snake. He wanted – longed even – to get out and away. Away from Lord Voldermort. He just had to try, "My Lord – let me go to the boy –"

"All this long night, when I am on the brink of victory, I have sat here. Wondering, wondering, why the Elder Wand refuses to perform for its rightful owner… and I think I have the answer," he hissed in a mere whisper.

Snape could not speak. How could he when he knew the answer? _Death! Death! Death!_ Death, the word, the meaning, seemed to be etched on his forehead.

Voldermort spoke yet again, "Perhaps you already know it? You are, after all, a clever man, Severus. You have been a good and faithful servant and I regret what must happen."

"My Lord –" Snape started only to be cut off.

"The Elder Wand cannot serve me properly, Severus, because I am not its true master," _Tick, Tick, Tick_, is what Snape's mind seemed to be thinking.

"The Elder Wand belongs to the wizard who killed its last owner. You killed Albus Dumbledore. While you live, Severus, the Elder Wand cannot truly be mine."

"My Lord!" protested Snape raising his wand.

"It cannot be any other way," Voldermort said with fake remorse, "I must master the wand, Severus. Master the wand, and I master Potter at last!" Then he swiped the wand in the air to deceive Severus and send Nagini rolling toward him.

Snape, at first, thought his master was only joking with him. But then he saw Nagini's case rolling toward him. Before he could yell, the sphere encased him from head to shoulders. His master spoke something in Parsel Tongue… Snape let out a blood-curdling scream.

Blood rained down from his neck as his face became chalky white, his beady; black eyes became the shade of Death, and his wand was still raised at Voldermort.

Nagini's fangs pierced him all the while he struggled and fought in the rain of blood, all the while Snape struggled and fought against the rain of blood, all the while his knees gave way and he collapsed onto the floor, all the while The Dark Lord's order remained in the blood-scented air.

Voldermort watched Snape while he sneered coldly, "I regret it."

Close to Death as he was, Snape noticed as his master turn away and lift the snake off of him making him fall sideways with the wash of blood. There was never a remorseful apology to him. Never. Severus trembled and clutched his hand to his neck for the hurt and findings.

S.S.S.S. S.S.S.S.

Harry Potter soon reached Snape's field of vision, while he stared blank fully and sadly at him. The dying man tried to speak, so Harry bent over him to see what he was trying to say.

With the little strength he had left, Severus seized the front of Lily's child's robe and pulled him close. As he bore into Harry's eyes, _her_ eyes, he gurgled, "…Take…it…Take…it…" as he shed the memories of his life and gave them to him.

Harry looked blankly not knowing what to do. Suddenly, a flask was conjured from the air. Taking it, Harry put it up to the Prince's memories catching them with his wand. As he did this Snape's vision blurred, and he couldn't think.

"Look…at…me…" he whispered to the boy. Harry looked at him.

Severus wanted to see those eyes one more time. He wanted to see Lily's beautiful emerald eyes one last time…

His hand thudded to the ground and he moved no more.


End file.
